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May 26, 2008

A Memorial Day of a different kind

Memorial Day for me has been something I have a deep heart for. My rememberances are of a different kind signifies the birth of my son Eddie. He wwas born on May 26, 1992. Today he is 16! WOW! The time sure does fly...Every memorial day for the past 16 years has been filled with presents and cakes and great kid parties. Those party days ended about 5 years agao though..when it was no longer cool to invite your friends over to celebrate. I sure miss those times! Because my son's birthday has always fallen on Memeorial Day weekend it was always so easy to round up all the kids for a great bash. I would always go all out for the kids too. Every year was a challenge to find a new and better place to hold a party at. The last one we had was at our local bowling alley and the owner of it opened it up especially for our party. What a great guy he was! Most adults and businesses are off celebrating the day at a BBQ or party of their this was very special to have someone do this for us. The best party we ever had was a year we held the party at a driving much fun for everyone..even the parents! But, all of that has been replaced as the kids get older. They don't want parties..well, I secretly think they all still do..but, it wouldn't be cool to do so...Now we celebrate with more expensive gifts and an expensive meal of's is Chinese food.. It is growing more difficult for me to make the kids birthday's a special day. I would usually accomplish that with a party know what I mean. What I have always done every year that I will continue to do is to tell my kids the story of the day they were born. That to me is special. I remember as much as I can about the day..times, places, pains etc. Both of my kids although now adults..and almost adults..are still very receptive to the yearly story...maybe they are now just trying to please me but I do love it... I just wanted to briefly share my Memeorial Day memories and what it will always mean to me....peace

May 19, 2008

The last HOORAH!

Well folks...this is it for me..the last hoorah...tomorrow I turn 40! 40!!!!!!40!!!!40!!! What is it about turning these big numbers that gets us so down? My dad thinks that it symbolizes another decade therefore making it seem more important in some way. Really there is no difference between 39 and 40 nor 19 to 20 or 29 to 30...But, in our minds, more so for women I think, these 'milestones' make us feel somehow older in a way we don't want to be viewed?! I have received much advice from many people these past few weeks...everyone having their own feelings, war stories and battle scars associated with their emotions when they've reached these marks. It is all reminescent of the stories we each hear when we are about to go through having a wisdom tooth pulled, giving birth etc. People LOVE to share their traumatic moments with you..why do we do that? As if telling me of the horrible feeling of pain you'll have when you inevitably get a dry socket after your tooth is pulled..coupled with the infection you will also get..or the uncomparable pain you'll feel when the head and shoulders pass through during childbirth...Don't people know that it isn't a good idea to share these stories with the person who hasn't yet been through it? It all goes along with the power of suggestion. If you tell me that my 40th birthday will bring about feelings of discomfort and angst then I automatically think that I will or should be going through this..Don't do this to people... On the other end of the spectrum..there have been a few women who have offered up many good vibes about the whole experience I will be facing tomorrow..I like these types of people..let's look at the good instead of the bad..From these women I now can expect to have an overall feeling of peace and wisdom from turning 40. They say that there is a sense of calmness about your 40' ideal of just being ok with I've got that going for me..I'll get back to you on this as I do need to try it all on for size! So, until then..peace.

May 15, 2008


Just as I parents have come and gone...and I really miss them being here! So many different emotions are attached to seeing them. First and foremost, as always, when I do get to see them I am always wishing that they lived closer to me! They both are such wonderful and grounded people that certainly would be such a great influence in my life and the lives of my family. My hubby would greatly benefit from their abilities to be level headed and calm and would I. My kids would benefit from having their grandparents around...for my daughter an established sense of family and for my son, to have great role models to look up to and to fall back on! In the short time they were here I have taken away with me a sense of well-being and a different view alltogether on how my behaviors can and do affect others. For example, how I interact and speak 'at' my husband instead of speaking 'to' him and listening when I should be. There is always a constant underlying friction in this house because of the way we have become accustomed to interacting with one another. We all have settled on the idea that our way of being is normal when in reality it is anything but! The most peculiar thing about reflecting upon this patterned behavior is that I truly think that none of us even wants to be this way. We all share an ideology that we want peace and love and understanding amongst why then do we do anything but? I truly have been enlightened by viewing my family and our relationships with one another...this is not what I have set out to create. We all need to have the utmost respect for one another because demanding it doesn't work but rather showing, especially those sponge minds of our children, and leading by example is how others learn to be. If I am being disrespectful to my husband and vice versa then it is evident that my children will learn this behavior and then view it as the norm. I have now taken a very big step back, taken a long look and realized that there are different and better ways to speak and get my points and views across than just yelling them out in a stressed daze! I am constantly reiterating to my kids that they need to treat others as they'd want to be treated but yet I hipocritically do the opposite, especially with my husband! Ridiculous! So I will not waste one more moment of one more day buying into the behavior that I so hate. Realistically I can not expect to have everything change overnight but it is my responsibility to myself to do the very best I can everyday to plug away at creating an environment that I want to be in. I have taken a huge effort to calmly speak with my hubby about things that create stress for him..ask him why and then peel through all of the complex layers associated with it and get to the core of the issue. Which by the way never seems to be about the subject that we are stressing over. It is quite interesting and I vow to apply this method to myself as well. I have been trying it on for size these past few days and the response, while frictional at first, has been wonderful. That huge ball of deep seeded stress that has been lying in the pit of my being seems to be burping its way out of my body...a very big AHHH for me. I feel a calm that I haven't felt in a very long time and also feel equiped with the tools to handle the moments that really are stressful. I am dealing with the now as opposed to stressing over those moments that have not even know, those moments that you think will be stressful and you set yourself up for the failure of those moments that may never happen at all! No more! I feel good...and I want and will take this ball and run with it. Imagine, all of this from a four day visit from my parents! The only downside I can see from their stay is that quite possibly they will never again want to stay with us..after the display of bs my hubby and I put on for them...But, because of the type of people they are I do feel somewhat confident that they understand and that they will not hold onto any of the negativity...for too long anyway! I truly believe that it takes another set of eyes sometimes to make you realize what has been going on in your life and the negative patterns that have become commonplace...It is only through realization and then acceptance and the willingness to recognize that any of us can for this I hope my parents know just how grateful I truly am for their visit...who would of ever thought? Peace in your day...

May 8, 2008

The 'Rents' are coming..

Well it is 3:30 in the afternoon here and what do I have to show for it? Nothing! I don't know what it is with me these days..can't seem to fall asleep at night until about 2-3AM...and then I can't get up the next day until at least by 3:30 my head isn't even in the game yet. I have noticed that the older I get the more I want to be by myself..So when the kids get home from their day at school, I am barely even together yet..This is a very bad and vicious cycle I have put myself in but I just can't seem to revert back to the way it used to be. I think I am staying up so late because it is a time when no one other thatn the dog, needs me for anything! Everyone's asleep....I can be alone both mentally and physically..but this brings me to my topic.. My parents are coming to town. They'll be here very late Saturday night and will be staying with us in our new house for about 4 days. They live across the U.S in Seattle and we only get to see them about every two years and even then we don't see them much as they have much ground to cover when they are here. So this will be such a nice change from the normal visit plus I finally have a home big enough to house more than just my family...It's a great feeling. I am a bit worried and stressed though...everyone has different lifestyles and while my current one is all over the place, I am going to have to radically change it to entertain the lifestyles of others. They are even on a different time zone so it may work out for me where they are three housr behind us so 1:00am to me is only 10 to them..I think my dad and I are a lot alike in the respect that we both are night owls so this just may work. But as you can imagine..I have been driving myself crazy trying to clean up the house even though the rents have said not to worry!!! I worry!! That's what I do...and while hubby has been helpful i the cleaning dept..he has his own version of clean and what needs to be done..He's off doing the 'man' things around the house while I scrub toilets? Who the hell is going to even care if that light sochet down the basement needs a new plate or not? And is it totally a priority to aerate the lawn for their arrival? This is just an excuse to play with man toys and pretend that what is being done is oh so important to the arrival of the rents! It actually creates more work for me...the muddy footprints on the carpet..the tools left out eveywhere..etc. But I digress because hubby in his own craziness is a great help to me in ways that I know other hubbies are I should never complain...but I can and will rant about it! My rents are so easy going and laid back..nothing pretentious or stressful about them in any way so I just need to lighten up and not worry about's so funny because when it is all over and they leave..I will look back on their visit and note how wondeful it was, wishing that they lived around the corner and will be sad that they are gone..There will be a void over the following days and I will think back upon this very moment...sigh a bit, let out a giggle and tell myself the same thing I always do..'what the hell were you so worried about"..'Why do you always put yourself through this'....I guess this is just another of those life moments with a lesson thrown in there somewhere....stay in the moment and enjoy all that life has given you and all the little extras that come along the way...this would be those very 'rents that I allow myself to worry over...for they are the moment in this moment that life is all about..our family and all of the extensions of it...peace!